i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
