Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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