I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
