Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize