i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
