Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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