Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
