I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
