I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
