I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
