I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
