I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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