Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
