ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
