when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
