3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
