True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
