It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
