As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
