While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
