I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
