Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
