do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
