you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
