he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
