Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
