so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So many bounce houses so little time
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize