***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
