My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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