ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
