Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I am midnight drunk by noon
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
