Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
