my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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