never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
