and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
