There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
