I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
