All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
