today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Randomize
