Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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