I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
