meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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