theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just want nice things and good sex
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
