did you get engaged???
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
