it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
