Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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