My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize