I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
