dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
