sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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