if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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