I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize