i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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