Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
