Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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