drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
