Welp...herpes.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
