Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
