her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
