please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
