would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
