Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
