if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
