Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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