not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
