I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
