Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
