and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The struggles of a small town man whore
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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